Tag: Manipulation

If you pay attention, it all works out pretty well

If you pay attention, it all works out pretty well

There’s a lot of weird stuff going on. It’s the second week of 2021, and instead of any kind of return to normalcy, it looks like the world is falling apart and the USA is tearing itself apart.

The news seems to be mostly designed to result in people thinking….uhhh…whatever the news people want their listeners to think? Probably? At best, the news outlets are perhaps trying to “fix” things the best way they know how – but that seems to mostly resemble trying to control people into aligning to their version of reality. To think like them, so everyone can be “safe.” Or, they’re trying to get ratings and behaving like a business instead of an organization with a responsibility to inform in a fair, balanced, accurate manner. None of these reasons, or any others that we can think of, are good enough to make inaccurate and downright confusing views of reality as presented by national news outlets not controlling, knowingly dishonest, or awful.

Aside from the news, the two main political parties of our national bipartisan system seem to be doing their best to rip each other apart – and in the process, rip apart any unity that exists in the country. They mostly act like toddlers fighting over an old, worn out blanket that they both have decided is their very most favorite.

Social media, AKA “people talking about stuff on the internet,” is doing its darnedest to implode. More people are talking than listening, and the resulting echo chambers are…well, echoing, at maximum volume. Everyone seems to be getting real offended at anyone who disagrees with them – and not just offended. People are seeing anyone who disagrees with them as an immediate enemy. With COVID, our primary social interaction has moved to online, and when it’s that hostile for dissenting opinions or ideas, something is very wrong.

Also, as of now, the sitting US President is so painful or dangerous to listen to (apparently?) that he doesn’t even get a voice on social media outlets. In addition, lots of other people who just…again, disagree, with the privately-held social media companies are banned. Literally silenced just for having opinions.

As two veterans of divorce, we recognize some of these patterns. It very much feels like the last stages of a relationship ending. Josh got some advice, about a year before his divorce was certain:

As long as you’re arguing, you’re okay – but if you go quiet, it’s just a matter of time.

As a country, we/the US has been arguing violently for about…30 years? We stopped civil discourse… at some point. We both began voting in presidential elections around the time that the results were so close to 50/50 that the winner could not be immediately determined. It’s not acceptable to talk about politics in “polite” circles, because it’s just assumed that we can’t agree and that relationships can’t survive in the face of that kind of disagreement.

You can’t have a political opinion in a public place without risking those relationships, and probably being disowned by at least two people. Any opinion at all is going to result in someone telling you that you’re a bad citizen, and not a “real” American, and also that you very definitely couldn’t possibly be a good person. Depending on where you say it, you will probably also be told that you’re not a good God person, or that you ignore science, or that you’re stupid and your opinions are irrelevant.

We do not accept differing opinions with a listening ear anymore.

Josh saw a video of a family being carted off to jail because they got together for a holiday party and can still hear the screams of their kids. Something is very very wrong.

What the hell happened? What can we do about it? What should we do about it? These are the questions we’ve been asking ourselves, ad nauseum.

We Forgot About Science

So…remember science?

Not, “you have to obey our commands or we will lock you up,” or “just listen to the experts without asking questions,” or “I have statistics so you have to do what I tell you,” or…really anything where people tell you what to do.

We’re talking about that thing where people went out and observed stuff, and thought about it intelligently, and then came to conclusions that were backed by empirical evidence. Maybe they had a hypothesis first, or maybe they observed a cool thing and then tried to understand and explain it. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, people said stuff, and then they went and figured out what they thought, for themselves. And often, they found out that they were wrong in their first, second, and maybe even third assumptions, and that the first and third conclusions were also wrong. But they kept looking, with open eyes. They also argued a lot, got offended, and generally disagreed, all for the purposes of finding the truth.

Science by this definition is, was, and always has been a violent attack on dogma. It doesn’t matter whose dogma, or which dogma, we’re talking about – but often, it was the ruling body and the church (or both). The “let’s figure out what reality is” crowd was perceived as a threat. Sometimes they were exiled. Sometimes they were killed. Often they were mocked and told they were crazy.

Also, sometimes they got rich, and sometimes they gave away their inventions for the good of mankind.

Pursuit of actual reality is one of our highest moral values, because that’s where you can most clearly see God. When teaching Actual Digital Transformation, or any other kind of soul healing, there is no substitute for Trying Stuff Out and Seeing What Happens (TM). We have considered actually patenting our methods, because they are so revolutionary today.

…LOLJK no we haven’t, that was totally some pained sarcasm, because the pursuit of actual reality seems to be painfully and confoundingly revolutionary, most of the time.

We’re sick of being told to “trust” anybody without question. Trust has to be built. We’ve individually, together, and also collectively as a society, been lied to for so long by authority figures that the idea of unquestioning trust of authority is offensive, and frankly ridiculous. Present evidence and let people choose, and allow encourage dissent, or GTFO.

If people are:

  • banning other people from saying they’re wrong
  • playing into our fear of being alone in order to try to manipulate agreement (“if you don’t agree, you aren’t one of us.”)
  • saying anything like, “you should blindly trust us because we’re the experts”
  • threatening, including “we’ll put you in jail”

…then they are very much not to be trusted.

We have somehow arrived at this stupid, and dangerous, place where we think that we can’t argue with something if it’s deemed “science.” We cover our ears and run when people say things we don’t like to consider. We can’t handle the thought of being wrong.

Why?

We Forgot about God

There’s something wrong with the world today,
I don’t know what it is.
Something’s wrong with our eyes.
We’re seeing things in a different way,
and God knows it ain’t his.

Livin’ on the Edge, Aerosmith

We seem to have forgotten, or perhaps some of us never knew or accepted, that there’s something bigger than all of us. Something so thoroughly Real that it is the authority we must all bend to. Something exists outside of all of us that it is beyond complete human understanding yet is present in every choice and action that we take. Something that if seen directly brings us to tears of joy and sweet sadness. It, He, can be found in being actually loved, or in seeing something so beautiful we cannot speak. It’s in every one of our souls. It’s in the babbling of a madman and in the unquestioning belief of a child, and in the most dangerous thought a person can have.

We forget that we can’t know things perfectly. We forget that we cannot control reality, and that we don’t need to control each other. We forget that any plan can fail, and that good things happen that we did not make happen.

God is behind all of this mess beauty and he’s working hard to break the chains we tend to put on ourselves. We bind our souls, thinking we must create all of the good we have in our lives, and we must keep ourselves safe from our greatest fear: being alone for who we are. That’s behind all of the “one of us” and the tribalism and the exile fears, and it’s why we think we have to agree (or at least pretend to agree) with our peer group, or risk that we ourselves will be excluded, exiled, and forgotten.

We Forgot We Don’t Have to be Afraid

Over and over, the damage we have taken personally, and the things that get in the way of actual good change, can be traced back to people being afraid.

Collectively, we’re all afraid. We’re afraid of losing the power to take care of ourselves. We’re afraid of being rejected, and as such, we’re afraid of whatever other people tell us we should fear.

A lot of those fears are real. People do sometimes hate us for what we believe in. People have lost jobs, and careers, because of economic fallout from COVID and the government’s response. The dollar is losing value at an impressive rate, so money isn’t really safety either (and in fact it never was…). People (us included!) have lost relationships once they decided they were no longer going to be controlled or hide. People hold on to their guns, and their stuff, and their relationships, and their opinions, and their tribes, and they hold on really really tight because they fear what might happen if they lose the things that they think keep them safe. People fear what they will do if they lose what matters to them, or if they lose what keeps them chained.

Angel of death and mercy,
come take me from this cage.
Cause these four walls and iron bars have been
witness to the rage,
of a thousand broken hearts, in chains…

In Chains, Shaman’s Harvest

We fight so hard to make laws and control each other in order to keep these chained things, but actually we do more damage to ourselves than to others when we seek to control – when we employ violence, rejection, hatred, disrespect, manipulation, denial of wants and needs, etc. It’s a national tragedy, and a human tragedy. We’ve fought these types of wars for decades – drug wars, culture wars, foreign wars, civil wars – because we thought that they were required in order to be safe.

But…actually, we don’t have to be afraid.

If you pay attention…it all works out pretty well.

We forget, so much, that love is much greater, and much stronger, than fear. It doesn’t always look like that, but…that’s how it lands. We forget that we can just…be ourselves. We forget that we can just be people and love each other and that…actually, life is pretty good.

You won’t be alone. People will like you, no matter your beliefs, statements, opinions, hot takes, or economic status. People will like you regardless of your tribe, your political orientation, or whatever other orientation you have. People will like you because you are a person. Not all people. Sometimes people will double down on being afraid, and they will not be willing to let you be free. But…you still won’t be alone. We know this because simple existence, simple “you are a person,” is all it takes for us to like someone. You are made of God-stuffs, and you are beautiful, and you are worth knowing and loving just because of that. If you’re hungry, I’ll give you from my food. If you’re sick, I’ll help take care of you.

It turns out, the real solutions win, most people are generally trying to be good, and love eventually wins over fear.

So…what now?

Yeah, it’s a valid question. And in some ways, we have literally no idea.

What we do know, or at least are pretty sure of, is that we need to apply the basic, and admittedly very complex, remedy of stop trying to control each other to the nation as a whole.

People have the literal God-given right to be free, and that needs to be respected and honored. We were once the “land of the free and the home of the brave,” and we seem to have en masse forgotten how to do that. But…actually, it’s okay, guys. As a nation, and beginning with ourselves, we need to process our feels, as much as that sucks, and default to freedom and not controlling each other. We need to realign to reality.

Sacrifice Done Well

Sacrifice Done Well

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” John 10:11

The Bible talks about sacrifice a lot. Sacrificing for each other, sacrificing to serve God. The Gospel, the most important story arc in the Bible, is in part about Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice – his death, yes, but more his complete and utter separation from God when he needed God the most. Unfortunately, over the past 2000 years, the definition of sacrifice has been broken to the point where it’s used to do more harm than good.

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Creating Monsters and Utopias

Creating Monsters and Utopias

I’m not the bad guy. Right??

There’s a relatively simple list of things that most people want. We want to feel important to our world. We want to be good, kind people – people who aren’t the bad guy, people who deserve good.

We want the freedom to choose what makes us happy, and to find things that make us feel fulfilled. We want to be able to choose the things that fill our souls to the brim.

Conflict

But the people around us don’t always want those things for us. They want us to work in their best interests, and they sometimes get hurt when we instead do what we want or need. When they get hurt, they try to control us into changing. They try to make us feel bad (or good) until we do change, until we do things that don’t make us happy or things that will hurt us – and if that doesn’t work, they decide that we must be an enemy and they begin to treat us accordingly.

Resolution

False Realities

I (Josh) didn’t like reality. Reality kept showing me that people may not always react favorably to the things I want or need – and I was scared of what might happen if I continued to fight for my right to those things. Ultimately, I was scared that they might leave if I continued to take care of myself.

I didn’t value my own soul enough to believe that it was worth taking care of, except…I kind of did. So in response, as a way to feel justified in fighting for my soul, I created alternate versions of people. I made people into monsters – monsters who manipulated me for their own selfish purposes. I saw them as willing to destroy me in order to get what they wanted. And since they were evil, I didn’t have to do what they said – I had the right to take care of myself, and I also had the right to control them into being not evil.

False Realities Believe in the Right to Protect Myself

Some of these people were not trying to manipulate me. I would see people as evil who were just trying to help me face my fears – deeply hidden, pressed down, and blocked away – and I would see people as evil who would shove me at God when I didn’t want to do that.

But…some of the people I turned into monsters were trying to manipulate me. These people weren’t evil though, they were just…afraid. They were afraid of the same thing I was, actually, that if they couldn’t control me or our relationship, I would leave. In their fear, they were trying to destroy me, but sort of as a…byproduct. They tried to destroy me to make me safe for them to love.

What I struggled with was the simple fact that I’m supposed to do what protects my soul, what nourishes and cares for it, and what keeps it whole so that it can serve God to the best of its ability. I don’t actually need to see evil motives in other people in order to do so.

I don’t need to see evil motives in other people in order to protect my soul.

Three Realities

“Hopeless.”

I realized that I believed in at least three realities:

  1. the utopia, a perfect place, without fear or risk, that I had long ago lost all hope of getting to. I was angry at God, because I assumed he was choosing to keep me away- so really it was his fault that I couldn’t get there.
  2. the horror, where the people I loved were evil and trying to destroy me, and where nothing would ever ever be good – where not even God could fix things.
  3. actual reality, where things were mostly good, but not my previous understanding of ideal.

If life was intended to be the utopia, then I had seriously messed something up at some point, despite always trying as hard I could to do and be what God wanted from me. If life was the horror, I thought I could (and should) seize control from God and set my own destiny – but it turns out that seizing control from God never works. I tried, and tried, and tried with all my soul and strength to take control and make the horror world less awful. It was a terrible process, but I realized, eventually, that it was impossible. Also, thankfully, that it wasn’t even reality.

That left only actual reality – and if actual reality was all that was available for me to work with, I was really scared that my life would never be what I wanted it to be.

Oh good, not just me then…

We realized that other people do this too – we saw it happening, we had it happen to us as the objects, and we were confused and hurt when people saw us as demons or monsters out to destroy them. But…then we realized that these people were just really scared. They wanted to control us into doing the things that would make them feel less scared – which we weren’t willing to do. The inability to control us made them more scared, which led to more attempts at control, and…

Scared people do crazy things.

It gave us a lot of new empathy actually. We realized that most of the people who ever did a bad thing to another person…they probably just created a false reality. Every mugger was just keeping himself fed and giving himself the life he deserved – it was only fair, only what he deserved from the people and world around him. Every despot was just preserving freedom or safety for his people – whatever meager amount could be eked out from this cold, dark world. “Because even meager safety in my kingdom is better than the horror of living under their regime.”

At this point, we’re pretty sure that even truly evil people create their own moral justification via false realities. Hitler believed in what he was doing so hard that he convinced thousands of people that he was right – his opinions were awful, and fueled by fear. But he was convincing. He was sure.

Scared people do crazy things.

What’s the answer?

What’s always the answer?

Faith. Trust.

I had to learn all over again how to trust. I had to trust that God loves me – and while he disciplines, he does not punish. I have already been forgiven, so…there isn’t anything to punish.

I had to be willing to see the people I loved, which I had been avoiding in case I was about to see them walk away from me. Once I saw them, I knew that they were not trying to destroy me – or if they were, I didn’t have to let them.

Once I could trust God, and remember that he loves me and wasn’t trying to punish me, it was clear(er) that the utopia probably didn’t exist. And once I could see the people I loved again, and I trusted that they were not trying to destroy me, it was clear(er) that the horror probably didn’t exist either. That left learning how to exist in actual reality, which…is an entirely other blog post.

Your Fears are Not a Beacon

Your Fears are Not a Beacon

Fear is really hard to deal with. Fight or flight is an inherent human truth – we think that if we’re afraid, we must act. But…most of the time, action in the context of fear doesn’t make a ton of sense. It’s very logical in the comparatively rare times that our lives are actually in danger – but in the times we are simply (ha) afraid that we will lose an important relationship, action spurred by fear usually just does a whole lot of damage.

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Idols and Alone and Rest for Your Soul

Idols and Alone and Rest for Your Soul

People Seem Safer than God

 Come, all you weary.
Come, gather ’round near me,
find rest for your soul. 
Thrice, Come All You Weary

“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

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Choice-Based Relationships

Choice-Based Relationships

Relationships and Control

We’ve talked in the past about how control is an illusion – we can’t control the world around us, and all we really have are the choices we make.

We’ve also talked about how manipulating people only works when you’re the smartest person in the room.

One of the things that’s been a struggle for both of us, individually and as friends, is how do we make sure people will stick around? We all, at our core, don’t want to be alone. We want to be known, and appreciated, and maybe truly loved, but that…sure seems like a lot to ask. Most of us only manage to shoot for being a little bit known and sort of vaguely liked. And that’s actually pretty great, if it happens.

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Puppet Mastery, Manipulation, and Control

Puppet Mastery, Manipulation, and Control

“It works as long as you’re the smartest, but then the curtain comes back. Nobody likes being manipulated.”

People hate that word, “manipulation.” As a rule, they don’t hate the concept unless they’re on the receiving end of it, and even then sometimes they appear to prefer it to dealing with…well, reality.

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The Illusion of Control

The Illusion of Control

You think you have control. You look around and take stock of your life, and, if it’s a good day, you high-five yourself and feel some measure of peace at how well you’re doing with…stuff. And also things. “My stuff and also my things are right on track!” you say to yourself, proud and pleased. If it’s a bad day, you beat yourself up and you tell yourself to get your act together, and to take control of your life.

But…unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, because we would all be awful at it), you don’t have control. Not really. At most, you have control over yourself and your choices and…even that, let’s face it, isn’t complete control.

Can you safeguard your breath, in the night while you sleep,
keep your heart beating steady and sure?

Thrice, Beggars

Control only belongs to God, and when people try to wrestle that away from him, it…doesn’t go great. Most of the time, we think other people are in control, and so we spend our time trying to wrestle control from each other. It…also doesn’t go great.

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