Your Fears are Not a Beacon

Fear is really hard to deal with. Fight or flight is an inherent human truth – we think that if we’re afraid, we must act. But…most of the time, action in the context of fear doesn’t make a ton of sense. It’s very logical in the comparatively rare times that our lives are actually in danger – but in the times we are simply (ha) afraid that we will lose an important relationship, action spurred by fear usually just does a whole lot of damage.

My fears define me.

This is the first lie.

We all have guiding principles. Guideposts. North stars by which we navigate, and beacons in times of darkness. These are the things that we look for and attach to and orient our decisions and hopes and dreams around. When we build our guiding principles from our fears, our fears then become our most defining characteristics, and they become our primary motivation – for everything we do.

When we build our guiding principles from our fears, our fears then become our most defining characteristics.

We begin to think that our fears must be true, because why else would we elevate them to the status of North Star? Unfortunately, fear is self-perpetuating. We fear, therefore we think we should fear, therefore we fear…

My fears define me are feelings that control me.

If we can get past thinking that our fears are real, and that they must define us, we sometimes come to understand that fear is just an emotion and no more or less fundamentally true than any other emotion. However…fear is awful to experience.

It feels like it’s definitely stronger than we are, like we will lose control of ourselves, or lose ourselves entirely, if it gets free rein. We feel like we can’t escape being afraid. To try to survive this, we try to control our fear, but that never actually works – so really, we let our fears control us, and we use our fears as an excuse to control others.

My fears are feelings that control me.

The sneaky thing about fear is that the more you try to control it, the more it controls you. Fear doesn’t have to control us, and we don’t need to control others as a result of being afraid. Because science, we know that controlling others as a way to manage fear doesn’t work anyway.

We don’t actually end up less afraid because we’ve exerted control over someone else.

We may feel temporarily safe, but…we know that it isn’t real, and then the next time we get scared we have to “renew” our control. If we ever accidentally drop our death grip on any of the major or minor fears we’re trying to control, we fall down. Hard. We assume that relationships are ending, or that God has abandoned us, because we literally have no idea how to live through fear.

My fears are feelings, okay fine, now what?

So…how do you live through fear?

Allow it to Process

Accept it.
You can’t look back,
and you don’t have to fight.
Everything’s afraid.
Let it be afraid, let it
rise and fall and
fade.
– part of a poem called Again, by Laine.

Fear is just a feeling. Feelings will process on through your soul if you don’t try to shove them into nothingness. Fear doesn’t need to spur us to action, it can just… rise, and fall, and fade.

Sometimes in order for it to process, you’ll have to identify why you’re afraid – but…fun fact, sometimes you won’t. Sometimes it doesn’t matter why you’re afraid, the feeling will process anyway and you can move on with your life.

Trust

We’ve talked about trust – tried to define it, tried to explain its importance. We’ve talked about choosing to trust, both other people and also God. Sometimes the fear spiral can be stopped with trust – with remembering that the people you have previously chosen to trust are probably still trustworthy no matter what your fears tell you in the moment. And if you can remember that the people you trust love you and will figure it out, that can be enough to remind you that you don’t need to be afraid.

Trusting God is also key. If you believe that God is working for your eventual good – your eventual good, maybe not your right this second good – it can be easier to still see him even in the midst of your fear. And if you can find God in the midst of fear, sometimes he can be a way out too – like, “well, if God’s got this, it must be that it will be okay.”

Let Go

We hoard fear. It’s one of the ways that we control it – we think that if we manage to be constantly aware of the things we are afraid will happen, if we are always vigilant for them, we’ll see them coming, and we can stop them. Or if we can’t stop them, we can certainly be prepared emotionally.

Lolz no.

All we do by hoarding fear is cause ourselves a constant amount of moderate pain – for the sake of maybe preventing a lot of pain later. Maybe. First of all, the thing we’re afraid of probably won’t happen. Second of all, if it does, being moderately afraid the whole time before it happens doesn’t actually save us any of the pain when it does happen. We’re just…in pain. A lot. All the time.

However, if we can let go of the fear, through a combination of processing and trust and faith and love, then the pain just… is a feeling.

Fear is the Worst

Well. Probably not. I (Laine) actually think panic is the worst, which is a flavor of fear that has its own additional complications (more to come on this). But…fear is awful. We are wired to assume that it requires a response, and the only response we can muster if there is no actual threat is to kind of flail around at the people we love and try to control both them and ourselves. It’s a terrible plan.

If, instead, we can remember that fear is just a feeling that will rise and fall and fade, and that we can trust the people we love, and that we don’t have to hoard fear to keep ourselves safe, then…we don’t have to be controlled by the things that scare us and we don’t have to feel like control is the only way to be free.