Sacrifice Done Well

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” John 10:11

The Bible talks about sacrifice a lot. Sacrificing for each other, sacrificing to serve God. The Gospel, the most important story arc in the Bible, is in part about Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice – his death, yes, but more his complete and utter separation from God when he needed God the most. Unfortunately, over the past 2000 years, the definition of sacrifice has been broken to the point where it’s used to do more harm than good.

We think sacrifice is…

sacrifice (verb): “giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.” (Google dictionary)

We think that sacrifice is giving something up for the sake of someone else, because we love them. The more important the sacrifice we make, the more we must love that other person, right?

However…we actually use this definition to manipulate and control each other in various ways. We try to buy each other’s presence in the relationship with our pain as the currency – “if I give this up, you’ll definitely for sure stay, right? I’ve paid enough pain for you now?” We try to force each other to prove that we are loved, and therefore that we don’t need to be afraid to be alone – “if you really loved me, you would…” And we try to force each other to be happy because we’ve given up so much to try to make that happen.

In the best of times, we do attempt this out of love. We do this because it’s what we’ve been taught makes a good relationship, and it’s what we’ve been taught is the highest, strongest, most true form of love. But the result of all of this…it isn’t love. It isn’t healthy, supportive, strong, choice-based relationships.

It’s people behaving selfishly and self-destructively to try to force someone to stay who otherwise might leave.

It’s people who have given far beyond their means, to the point where they make themselves into empty shells for the people around them.

It’s people who resent each other, because each person’s sacrifice costs them more than it gains the other person.

It’s relationships that still don’t feel 100% safe, because…that isn’t possible.

Sacrifice should be…

sacrifice (verb): “choosing to freely give to someone else, from only available resources, with the understanding that your own soul has a higher value than any relationship.” (the Soul Repairs definition)

Choice

Jesus chose to sacrifice. He did not sacrifice for the purposes of manipulation or control. He did not sacrifice so that we would owe him, he did not sacrifice to try to convince us to stay in a relationship with him. He did not even sacrifice to prove to anyone that he loved God or us.

In a previous post, we said:

“If you create or modify your words, deeds, or emotions in order to create or modify the words, deeds, or emotions of someone else, that is manipulation. Basically, if you say stuff or show a particular emotion just or partially to try to convince someone to do something – it’s manipulative.”

Jesus sacrificed because he made a clear-eyed choice to give that much, regardless of what anyone else said, thought, or did. This is the only kind of choice that should lead to sacrifice for the sake of someone else.

Freely Given

There’s a concept in the completely amazing please just read it if you haven’t already because it literally changed my (Laine’s) whole life book Boundaries – the concept of freely given. It says that you should not give ANY of your resources to other people unless you are freely giving those resources. It means only ever giving to someone else willingly. 

“What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us.” (1 Corinthians 2:12)

Accurate Assessment of Available Resources

You have to know how much soul/energy/time/etc you have available to give. And you must assess this from the point of view that your own soul has a higher value than any relationship. You must also assess this without fear deciding for you what resources you do and do not need – because fear is a tricky fellow, and it tells us that we can afford to trade away vital pieces of ourselves in order to keep people. Given that everyone is deeply, massively afraid to be alone because of who they truly are, assessing available resources within these guidelines is very difficult.

You must assess your available resources from the point of view that your own soul has a higher value than any relationship.

However, if you try to give beyond your means, you do damage to yourself, and you do damage to your relationship – because the more you run yourself down, the less you have to give. And the more you run yourself down, the more resentful and angry and sad and broken you feel when you try to give. The people who truly love you want you to be functional – and you functional, your actual soul is what they need – not the version of you that has nothing left.

Sacrifice Done Well

We should give out of full hearts, not empty ones.

Giving in a relationship is vital. Taking care of the other person, how that person values being taken care of, is the highest form of love. But sacrifice done badly, sacrifice done the way we are all told we should do it, does a massive amount of damage – to us, the people we love, and to our relationships with the people we love.

The funny thing, and perhaps some further proof that God has a wicked sense of humor, is that when sacrifice is a choice to freely give only from available resources…it isn’t sacrifice anymore. It’s just…giving. It’s joyful, and it’s an act of love from the truest places in our souls.