Fear is really hard to deal with. Fight or flight is an inherent human truth – we think that if we’re afraid, we must act. But…most of the time, action in the context of fear doesn’t make a ton of sense. It’s very logical in the comparatively rare times that our lives are actually in danger – but in the times we are simply (ha) afraid that we will lose an important relationship, action spurred by fear usually just does a whole lot of damage.
I recently had the great honor of going with a transgender friend to his first support group meeting. I was kind of terrified, because I am not transgender – just an extremely determined supporter of the people I love. I was worried that I would be seen as an interloper, or that I would make people uncomfortable.
As it happened, I didn’t need to worry about any of that. I was mostly quiet, and I listened, and I heard their stories with a great deal of thankfulness to be allowed to be included.
One story stuck with me, along with the way it was told as though it were a norm. A woman there had recently found out that a cis woman, someone she considered a friend, was something like neutral on being transgender. Not supportive. Not exactly “against.” Just…neutral. She said that it felt as though cis women in general don’t accept her, that they get defensive and say awful things like not a “real” woman, and the other women in the room nodded sadly in agreement.
Come, all you weary.
Come, gather ’round near me,
find rest for your soul.
– Thrice, Come All You Weary
“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
We’ve talked in the past about how control is an illusion – we can’t control the world around us, and all we really have are the choices we make.
We’ve also talked about how manipulating people only works when you’re the smartest person in the room.
One of the things that’s been a struggle for both of us, individually and as friends, is how do we make sure people will stick around? We all, at our core, don’t want to be alone. We want to be known, and appreciated, and maybe truly loved, but that…sure seems like a lot to ask. Most of us only manage to shoot for being a little bit known and sort of vaguely liked. And that’s actually pretty great, if it happens.
Fun fact – the Building Reliability blog post was originally called “Building Trust.” It was old content – some day we’ll tell the story of everything that happened between when it was originally published and when we published it here, but suffice it to say that a lot changed okay.
Because of what changed, Laine was immediately and thoroughly triggered by defining trust in some part as “doing what people expect of you.” Some number of arguments later, we agreed that what’s described in that post is reliability – which is in fact different from trust. And…then we started trying to define and explain trust. Turns out, it really isn’t easy. After a lot of paying attention to where we stumble in trusting other people (spoiler alert: we’re both awful at it, actually…), this post was born. Finally.
We’re going to explain in more detail, but here is the basic definition:
Trust: believing that the other person loves you enough to figure it out – whatever it is.
“It works as long as you’re the smartest, but then the curtain comes back. Nobody likes being manipulated.”
People hate that word, “manipulation.” As a rule, they don’t hate the concept unless they’re on the receiving end of it, and even then sometimes they appear to prefer it to dealing with…well, reality.
One of the things we’ve noticed while mentoring is that some people suddenly take off like a rocket – they accept responsibility for more than they previously took on, and then they seek out more. They also handle this increase in responsibility very well, and they impress people who previously were at best neutral – along with people who were previously disappointed.
We’ve seen it happen, and we’ve been trying to figure out how to describe what the pieces are, because if a cool thing happens, you should explain how to reproduce it.
So, we began to think of it in terms of the process, the ingredients, and the result.
If a cool thing happens, you should try to figure out how to reproduce it.
You think you have control. You look around and take stock of your life, and, if it’s a good day, you high-five yourself and feel some measure of peace at how well you’re doing with…stuff. And also things. “My stuff and also my things are right on track!” you say to yourself, proud and pleased. If it’s a bad day, you beat yourself up and you tell yourself to get your act together, and to take control of your life.
But…unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, because we would all be awful at it), you don’t have control. Not really. At most, you have control over yourself and your choices and…even that, let’s face it, isn’t complete control.
Can you safeguard your breath, in the night while you sleep,
keep your heart beating steady and sure?
Control only belongs to God, and when people try to wrestle that away from him, it…doesn’t go great. Most of the time, we think other people are in control, and so we spend our time trying to wrestle control from each other. It…also doesn’t go great.
Being a person is hard.
This is just science. The only way it’s easy is if: a) you’re lying to yourself, or b) you aren’t paying a lot of attention to yourself or the world around you. People are broken, but we also have God in us, and the conflict between Team Damaged and Team Divine means that… being a person is hard.
The conflict between Team Damaged and Team Divine means that… being a person is hard.
We’re going to talk about community a lot. It is central, vital, to what we do and why, so we figured…hey, maybe explain what we’re talking about…
People gravitate toward each other. For support, and fun, and love, and joy. Marriages and families, friends who become family, people with matching pieces of their souls to share – in the best of circumstances, this natural pull of people to other people builds true community.