Trust: What is?
Fun fact – the Building Reliability blog post was originally called “Building Trust.” It was old content – some day we’ll tell the story of everything that happened between when it was originally published and when we published it here, but suffice it to say that a lot changed okay.
Because of what changed, Laine was immediately and thoroughly triggered by defining trust in some part as “doing what people expect of you.” Some number of arguments later, we agreed that what’s described in that post is reliability – which is in fact different from trust. And…then we started trying to define and explain trust. Turns out, it really isn’t easy. After a lot of paying attention to where we stumble in trusting other people (spoiler alert: we’re both awful at it, actually…), this post was born. Finally.
We’re going to explain in more detail, but here is the basic definition:
Trust: believing that the other person loves you enough to figure it out – whatever it is.
It’s Math
People are broken. We know this. We all work pretty hard not to be broken, but…it’s the nature of being a person. People also seek each other for relationships, because it would sure appear that everyone’s base fear is being truly alone. When relationships are very tested, it’s usually because my broken and your broken go to war. This kind of conflict is…really only resolved with deciding to trust each other. So if the words definition of trust is:
believing that the other person loves you enough to figure it out – whatever it is
…then the math/pseudocode/we are so nerdy you guys version looks like this:
if (love >= your broken * my broken) trust = true
The Benefits of Trust
We all know trust is good. We all know it’s something we’re supposed to feel and do in relationships. But…actually, trusting each other is completely terrifying. It feels like relaxing a guard that is protecting something very very important. It feels like inviting pain, because if we trust and are then proven “wrong” (get hurt), isn’t that kind of like it was our fault for being stupid? And we know people aren’t perfect, so… why would we do this thing that seems kind of ridiculous and risky?
Vulnerability
Yeah, this is the part that hurts, actually. This is the part that’s the risk. Vulnerability roughly translates to “not having walls or shields up” in your relationships. It doesn’t mean not having boundaries, just…nothing extra that you hide behind rather than engage with the other person. Vulnerability allows you to fully experience the relationship – and if we agree that relationships are important, then honestly and fully experiencing those relationships is just as important as having them in the first place.
If you can manage to trust, to believe that someone truly loves you enough that they’ll fight with you through whatever the two of you come across (even your own broken), you also get to feel safer being vulnerable – because even if you do get hurt, you know that the two of you will figure it out together.
You mean you’ll…stay?
Maybe even more important than honestly experiencing your relationships, with trust you also get to believe that the other person will do everything they can to stay. To stay in the relationship, with you.
It isn’t a guarantee that they’ll stay – the only permanent relationship any person has is with God. But…you get to know that they’ll fight to stay, all the way to the outer reaches of their abilities – they will fight other people, they will fight you (and your broken), and they will fight themselves (and their broken).
And now you can relax.
The combination of vulnerability (less shields) and believing that your person will stay allows for a magical sort of thing where you can relax in your relationships that include trust. These relationships become safer places to be weak, which we all need to do sometimes.
Trusting God
This applies to God too, but…it’s different. He is perfect, and he is actually guaranteed to stay once we accept relationship with him – but it’s so much harder to see sometimes, and so much harder to believe. It’s also so much more terrifying to relax in – the “but what if I’m wrong and you hurt me after I relax??” is a lot louder. He also doesn’t always seem to act in a way that one would describe as trustworthy.
But trusting God helps us trust people – because if people prove untrustworthy, God will take care of us. And trusting people helps us trust God – because people are great practice for and implementation of our relationship with God.
Why Explain Trust?
and it’s true that you could snap my neck,
but I trust you’ll save my life instead,
’cause our love’s a loyalty sworn,
if we hold to our hope then I know we can weather the storm
whatever they say, come what may…
– Thrice, Anthology
Trust is one of the most important pieces of relationships – all relationships. It is a choice, to believe in someone’s commitment to you, and love for you, without trying to control them. It is undeniably a risk– a risk on behalf of another person, and a risk on behalf of your relationship with them. It requires strength and love and some measure of fearlessness, and it’s beautiful. It makes relationships more what they were always intended to be.
Relaxing into trust in an important relationship is also one of the greatest joys of being a person. If we understand that a decision must be made to trust someone, it helps make the decision possible – and we hope it helps you find joy in your relationships.