Tag: Simple not Easy

Please Just Fight with Me

Please Just Fight with Me

We talk so much here about choice, and fear, and commitment. And hope, and struggle, and how to be a person, and how to be yourself in a world that seems to really wants you to be…different. Quieter, less sure, more afraid. Mostly, we tend to talk about how to be yourself in a world that seems to want you to fight less for the right to do exactly that.

We’ve talked recently about how we each got divorced last year. We both came from marriages with Forbidden Topics. Or at least… This is Going to Be an Exhausting Unproductive Fight Topics. Topics that we felt like we couldn’t really genuinely talk about, ways that we couldn’t stand up for ourselves or what we wanted or needed. Conversations that would lead to us taking damage in some way. The beginning death rattle of any relationship is probably being simply…too tired to keep fighting. And usually, it’s the Forbidden Topics that start that trend.

The Problem Statement

We’re going to pause and define what we mean by “fighting,” because it’s one of those overloaded words that means many different, sometimes scary, things to many people.

fight (v): to engage in conflict with someone, seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution

Note the part of the definition that says, “seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution.” Fighting, using this definition, is vital. Rather than letting baggage pile up and overwhelm a relationship, fighting in this way allows baggage and rubble to transform into…foundation. Shared, strong foundation that allows a relationship to thrive.

But…everyone has scars. Scars from how they grew up, scars from past similar relationships, scars from…trying to be a person. And fighting with people you care about, getting to that resolution point where both people feel heard and loved and accepted and like they understand each other better, is one of the fastest, most effective, most painful ways that those scars are sometimes triggered. It’s terrifying to lay your soul out, and show what you’re afraid of, and put the relationship at risk by just…being yourself. We’ve said before that the one fear that everyone seems to share at their core is the fear of being alone because of who you really are – well, fighting with someone where you’re both actively working to navigate your scars lays all of that on the line.

Because it’s so hard, there are a few ways this can go.

1. I Won’t Fight

This is the hardest, and the most painful. This is the…well, as we said above, this is the death rattle noise that relationships make when they’re falling apart. This is someone saying that fake resolution, that quiet, matters more than your soul. It’s someone deciding that hiding from you is more important than sharing their soul. Everyone gets to choose if they engage in fighting – they get to choose if they will show their soul, and if the risk to them or the relationship is worth it. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of the time, people will choose that it’s not. People will instead choose to try to keep some version of the “relationship” where both parties agree to hide from each other in a slightly different, memorized way in the future.

2. I Can’t Fight

On the other hand…fighting is exhausting. And terrifying. Don’t think that we’re saying that fighting is not exhausting and terrifying, because that would be stuuuupid.

And sometimes in a fight, you just… can’t anymore. If no one is choosing that they won’t fight, then whoever has run out of resources will get back to it when they’ve recovered some of those resources. But the old adage of “never go to sleep angry” is…not always wise, or a good idea. Sometimes stepping away has to occur, and if you can trust each other and be clear and still love each other even during a fight, then…this is okay. It’s good, even, despite it sometimes seeming even more scary.

3. The Good Fight

As a reminder…

fight (v): to engage in conflict with someone, seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution

A Good Fight is…well, when this happens. When both parties feel like they understand each other better, and when misunderstandings get cleared up. This does not mean that they agree. Relationships, and love, and true acceptance, don’t need agreement in order to exist, they just need…understanding, and reaffirmed choices not to hide from each other. They need, “I love actual you, and now I understand who that is a bit better than I did before, and also I still love actual you.”

A Good Fight results in the strengthened, shared foundation that can make some relationships staggeringly good.

Please Just Fight

Be you and have fun.

We give this advice constantly, to anyone who will listen and probably some people who won’t listen. We say it because it’s the best TL;DR we’ve figured out so far about how to live your life with joy. We constantly remind each other about it – because it isn’t easy. Being yourself often seems like exactly the way to end up completely alone.

However.

If you can find people who want to know you so much that they’re willing to risk your acceptance of them, people who will fight you with Good Fights, then you get the immense joy and relief and peace of existing with people who love actual you. Everyone deserves the space to be themselves, and everyone deserves people who will fight them, and fight with them, in order to have that.

Content-Generating Machine – or, A Love Letter to Creating

Content-Generating Machine – or, A Love Letter to Creating

We’re generally good at generating content. We have been as long as we’ve been working together, it was one of the first amazing things we noticed when working as a team. Other people dread putting together a presentation, or writing up a blurb for a document, or crafting an email to get the right message across – we don’t really have problems with that. No big deal, nonchalant shrug.

We commonly refer to this ability we have as a “content-generating machine.” We can – and have! thanks, you-know-who-you-are and your content smashing emergencies – knock out 90 minute presentations in a few hours. Have something to say, put it down, and polish it until it’s beautiful. It helps that we talk about our content between the two of us, for a long time, before we get to the point of putting (metaphorical) pen to paper, but…still. It’s cool, this magical ability that we possess.

…unfortunately for this narrative, we haven’t published anything here in a long time, with the notable and exciting (to us!) exception of last week. That’s because having something to say isn’t enough. You have to have enough soul – perhaps more precisely soul energy – to create. And you have to have even more soul to share what you create in a public place. Take enough soul damage and…it gets progressively more difficult to share.

Having something to say isn’t enough – take enough soul damage, and it’s hard to share.

Creation, and Soul Bruises

I would follow the trail of this fabulous squirrel ANY-DAMN-WHERE. – L.

Creation requires soul because creation comes from the soul – any kind of creation. Writing (fiction or non-fiction), composing (lyrics or music), drawing, painting, sculpting, building, dancing… the best creative things are outpourings of our souls and their many many moods and feels. Creation is you – the core you that wants to be known and understood and also is super afraid of being alone because of who you really are.

Writing, at least the non-fiction kind that we do, takes thoughts that typically start as impressions and pictures and patterns that we see, and puts them into words in a sentence, and then a paragraph, and eventually an arc of something that’s hopefully interesting and ideally somehow meaningfully true for our audience. It requires paying attention to those thoughts, and weaving them into something that’s linear and logical. It also requires remembering the things that we wanted to talk about that were related, and knowing what’s a finite unit of “blog” or “talk” and what’s maybe a, uh, squirrel trail.

Writing, creating in general, also requires accepting that the thoughts you have, or the soul that you want to share, is worth something – that it’s worth the work of getting it out of your head at all, and also that it’s worth sharing. It takes love, and creativity, and storytelling, and vulnerability. And…if you’re as soul-bruised as we were at various points in the past year or so, well…souls can’t create if they’re beat up too badly. Not easily, anyway.

Creation, and Soul Healing

“The opposite of war isn’t peace – it’s creation.” (La Vie Boheme B, Rent)

The problem with creation requiring a healthy(ish) soul is that creation itself lets you heal. It lets you process your feels, and tell your story. Creation lets you heal the bruises and cuts and scrapes on your soul.

But the great thing about creating is that sometimes, the things that are created have the magical impact of helping other people heal, and process. And when you’re too soul-bruised to create yourself, you can heal in perhaps a less direct way than, say…sharing your soul on a blog.

Maybe it comes from switching to a more private kind of creating, or a different kind. Maybe you find other people’s songs that fit exactly what you’re going through, or maybe other people’s stories tie directly to your experiences – writing them, or reliving them by way of a great author.

Basically, you can heal, and grow, via creating, yes – but you can also heal, and grow, via experiencing other people’s creations.

How to Get Back to Creating

It’s okay. It will happen. 

That’s a thing that Laine worries about, a lot, whether her soul will…well, repair (no pun intended, hahaha) enough to have the capacity to create again. That worry is almost certainly a relic of 30+ years of untreated ADHD and feeling like getting her brain to DO the thing was a constant battle.

But…the fact is, it always comes back. When enough has healed, and enough time has passed for some brave to build back up, the drive to create always reappears. Not being alone, literally, helps a lot – as in, creating with someone else and getting that built in support and shared brave.

Be you, and have fun.

When you find you can create, when there’s enough room in your soul to be that core you again, it will just…flow. Your mind and your soul will line up, and everything just…knows what ideas connect where, like building up a Lego wall. If you can heal the damage, and you can get past the critics in your own head, and just… be you and have fun, creation is a wildly strong source of joy. You can let yourself be yourself, and worry about if it exactly “makes sense” or is “valid” later.

If you’re not bruised, beaten, scared of rejection, or simply tired, then creations just…appear out of nowhere.

We interact with a lot of people who don’t create, or who don’t share what they create, for a lot of reasons. If you fall into this camp, we’d strongly encourage you to think about why not, and if you like, send a message our way and tell us, or use us as guinea pigs to share what you create with a very controlled subset of “everyone.” We’d love to hear from you.

For us, once we’ve healed enough to want to create again, the “why not” is always fear – the same fear we see over and over as the core fear of everyone, the fear of being alone somehow. Bruises are just a hurt-reminder of that fear, whispering that maybe it’s really true, that fear that we’re alone…maybe it’s really true.

It’s not true. We promise. Life maybe has sucked, life maybe still sucks, but creation lets you deal with that. And actually dealing with stuff will leave you (has left us) much less alone.

….aaand we’re back!

….aaand we’re back!

It’s been a long time since we blogged.

We’ve missed it. A lot. But…like our blog says, life is simple, not easy, and we’ve found that sometimes soul repair takes a lot of resources.

One thing we say in our talks is that transformational change starts with changes that individual people make in or for themselves. We think that’s probably always true, that large-scale change typically starts with individuals, and, meta, we’ve spent the time that we weren’t blogging working through a lot of stuff – stuff inside of our own souls and lives that needed to be processed, changed, and understood.

One major example of that is that we both got divorced. We each had to work through a lot – like a lot – of related feelings. Damage and scars, and…well, basically all of the feels. 

This is an accurate representation of what that process looked like:

I Just Have A Lot Of Feelings GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY
Having a lot of feelings, thanks Mean Girls!

We both came to points in our marriages where they were too broken to proceed. Divorce is complicated, and figuring out life going forward is a lot of work.

But we’ve done a lot of that work (probably not all of it, wince), and, as often happens, it’s turned out better than either of us thought possible. We expect that we’ll probably write more on the topic of divorce, but if you have any questions about the process or just want someone to talk to, feel free to reach out – our contact info is all over the place. I (Josh) didn’t even see it as an option for a long time, and only when Laine decided to do it did I even realize that I didn’t have to be stuck forever.

We’re both still processing a lot of what happened there, but it seems relevant given the other cultural things we’ve experienced. We wrote and delivered a new talk called Not a Cultural Fit, and we each drew on our marriages to see and explain and double-check as valid the patterns that we discuss in that talk. In the end…sometimes people just don’t fit, and trying to grimly power through only makes everyone miserable. You can find a new job, and you can find someone, or some organization, who actually likes you instead of tolerates you. (oof)

Our plan for the blog is to get back in the swing of making content regularly, continuing with our opinions on stuff, and also things, and the observations that we have. Basically, we’re going to pivot again and always toward our favorite piece of advice, for everyone:

Be you, and have fun.

If you’ve stuck it out, waiting for us to come back, we really really appreciate it. If you’re new, hi! Either way…

The Emperor's New Groove
BOOM, baby. We’re back.
“I’d Rather Reign in Hell” and Related Thoughts

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We all have good parts of our lives: fun events, good friends, adventures, trying new experiences. We all have bad parts too – deaths of people we love, arguments that end relationships, work disappointments.

In my life, I have had some amazing experiences and some really low lows.

Recently, however, I’ve noticed that something seemed to be broken with how I experienced the good in my life. Even really great things, I didn’t enjoy. I didn’t really notice until I could experience them normally again, but it was like I went numb. I would notice that I couldn’t taste my favorite food, or a delicious cigar…and I would wonder, what is going on?

I realized, some good things are so Big Good that it’s actually hard for me to process them. I get scared…and then I hide from the good. This is super annoying actually, and double bad, because it prevents me from both enjoying the good and also being thankful for the good.

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We’re (hopefully) taught some important things as children:

  • you can do anything you set your mind to, so aim high
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[Spoilers ahead, for Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame]

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“It works as long as you’re the smartest, but then the curtain comes back. Nobody likes being manipulated.”

People hate that word, “manipulation.” As a rule, they don’t hate the concept unless they’re on the receiving end of it, and even then sometimes they appear to prefer it to dealing with…well, reality.

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Be Good

There is freedom and peace and pride in being truly good at something.

Not to seem good.

Not to check off the boxes of good.

But to actually be good.

Everyone should have the freedom to be actually good.

Establishing governance philosophy in an enterprise is a tricky combination of “how much do we trust our people?” and “okay, but how much do we actually trust our people?” The fact is, people are going to screw up. Some of them might deliberately try to screw something up, but mostly they’ll just make mistakes. If the organization can’t handle mistakes, that’s a problem with the adaptability and flexibility of the organization, not with its people. This means that people’s potential mistakes are not a reason to default to not trusting them.

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