We talk so much here about choice, and fear, and commitment. And hope, and struggle, and how to be a person, and how to be yourself in a world that seems to really wants you to be…different. Quieter, less sure, more afraid. Mostly, we tend to talk about how to be yourself in a world that seems to want you to fight less for the right to do exactly that.

We’ve talked recently about how we each got divorced last year. We both came from marriages with Forbidden Topics. Or at least… This is Going to Be an Exhausting Unproductive Fight Topics. Topics that we felt like we couldn’t really genuinely talk about, ways that we couldn’t stand up for ourselves or what we wanted or needed. Conversations that would lead to us taking damage in some way. The beginning death rattle of any relationship is probably being simply…too tired to keep fighting. And usually, it’s the Forbidden Topics that start that trend.

The Problem Statement

We’re going to pause and define what we mean by “fighting,” because it’s one of those overloaded words that means many different, sometimes scary, things to many people.

fight (v): to engage in conflict with someone, seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution

Note the part of the definition that says, “seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution.” Fighting, using this definition, is vital. Rather than letting baggage pile up and overwhelm a relationship, fighting in this way allows baggage and rubble to transform into…foundation. Shared, strong foundation that allows a relationship to thrive.

But…everyone has scars. Scars from how they grew up, scars from past similar relationships, scars from…trying to be a person. And fighting with people you care about, getting to that resolution point where both people feel heard and loved and accepted and like they understand each other better, is one of the fastest, most effective, most painful ways that those scars are sometimes triggered. It’s terrifying to lay your soul out, and show what you’re afraid of, and put the relationship at risk by just…being yourself. We’ve said before that the one fear that everyone seems to share at their core is the fear of being alone because of who you really are – well, fighting with someone where you’re both actively working to navigate your scars lays all of that on the line.

Because it’s so hard, there are a few ways this can go.

1. I Won’t Fight

This is the hardest, and the most painful. This is the…well, as we said above, this is the death rattle noise that relationships make when they’re falling apart. This is someone saying that fake resolution, that quiet, matters more than your soul. It’s someone deciding that hiding from you is more important than sharing their soul. Everyone gets to choose if they engage in fighting – they get to choose if they will show their soul, and if the risk to them or the relationship is worth it. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of the time, people will choose that it’s not. People will instead choose to try to keep some version of the “relationship” where both parties agree to hide from each other in a slightly different, memorized way in the future.

2. I Can’t Fight

On the other hand…fighting is exhausting. And terrifying. Don’t think that we’re saying that fighting is not exhausting and terrifying, because that would be stuuuupid.

And sometimes in a fight, you just… can’t anymore. If no one is choosing that they won’t fight, then whoever has run out of resources will get back to it when they’ve recovered some of those resources. But the old adage of “never go to sleep angry” is…not always wise, or a good idea. Sometimes stepping away has to occur, and if you can trust each other and be clear and still love each other even during a fight, then…this is okay. It’s good, even, despite it sometimes seeming even more scary.

3. The Good Fight

As a reminder…

fight (v): to engage in conflict with someone, seeing that conflict through until genuine resolution

A Good Fight is…well, when this happens. When both parties feel like they understand each other better, and when misunderstandings get cleared up. This does not mean that they agree. Relationships, and love, and true acceptance, don’t need agreement in order to exist, they just need…understanding, and reaffirmed choices not to hide from each other. They need, “I love actual you, and now I understand who that is a bit better than I did before, and also I still love actual you.”

A Good Fight results in the strengthened, shared foundation that can make some relationships staggeringly good.

Please Just Fight

Be you and have fun.

We give this advice constantly, to anyone who will listen and probably some people who won’t listen. We say it because it’s the best TL;DR we’ve figured out so far about how to live your life with joy. We constantly remind each other about it – because it isn’t easy. Being yourself often seems like exactly the way to end up completely alone.

However.

If you can find people who want to know you so much that they’re willing to risk your acceptance of them, people who will fight you with Good Fights, then you get the immense joy and relief and peace of existing with people who love actual you. Everyone deserves the space to be themselves, and everyone deserves people who will fight them, and fight with them, in order to have that.