Choice-Based Relationships

Relationships and Control

We’ve talked in the past about how control is an illusion – we can’t control the world around us, and all we really have are the choices we make.

We’ve also talked about how manipulating people only works when you’re the smartest person in the room.

One of the things that’s been a struggle for both of us, individually and as friends, is how do we make sure people will stick around? We all, at our core, don’t want to be alone. We want to be known, and appreciated, and maybe truly loved, but that…sure seems like a lot to ask. Most of us only manage to shoot for being a little bit known and sort of vaguely liked. And that’s actually pretty great, if it happens.

How do we make sure people will stick around?

Not being alone requires people, and that’s both the beauty and the difficulty of it. Loving ourselves is not enough to meet our needs – we were made to need other people. Need them deeply. We need to invest in people, and to do that, we either need to trust them, or we feel like we need to find a way to make them safely ours. 

The Problem of Keeping Them

If we want people deeply in our lives, it gets awful scary when they might leave. They do something we don’t want, or they spend time elsewhere, or they love other people too, and we start to get worried that they’re leaving – that one foot is already out the door.

One response here, one solution, is to leave them first. At least then, we’re not the ones being left. At least then, we can control when that pain occurs and it won’t be a horrible surprise. We tell ourselves that that’s what we wanted anyway, that actually it’s better to be alone, and we add another relationship’s rubble to the road behind us.

Another option is to put our hooks in them, as deeply as we can, and try to control them via carrots and sticks. We tell ourselves that this will make sure that they won’t choose to leave us. We have so many tools at our disposal, and hey, they need people too, so that works for a while. Sometimes this is as simple as, “I will make it worth it for you to stay by being so good and so perfect that you won’t want to leave. I am happy in your life as a doormat.”

All of these “solutions” to the problem of keeping the people we love work for a while. Until we realize that being pre-preemptively alone is awful. Until our control over the other person slips. Until the other person tries something we don’t like, and we grab on so tight that it bleeds, and the underlying foundation of control is revealed. Until we get tired – of being a doormat, of being afraid, and we just want to…be happy for a while, with the people we love the most.

Joy is More Important than Permanent Relationships

The title of this section is both absolutely true and could also trigger some concern about something important like The Sanctity of Marriage.

Here’s the thing: we weren’t all made to be married. We weren’t all made to have a life-long romantic relationship.

But we were all made to have joy in serving God and fulfilling his purpose for us, and we were all made to find joy and support in relationships.

And you can’t find joy – in anything, even in serving God – if you’re miserable.

We don’t mean “hey, go get yourself a divorce today!” Marriage is awesome, and difficult, and worth it. But we do absolutely mean that you have to be willing to give up control and let go.

This applies to every relationship, actually – let your person (even your spouse) be happy and free. See them clearly, and let them see you clearly, and then…let them freely choose if they want to be in a relationship with you. And respect their choice. And make your own choice.

If you’re only in a relationship because you feel obligated to be there, because you’re controlled, and you feel that semi-sick miserable feeling about your relationship…listen to that feeling. Fight that implementation of your relationship! Take action! If you think that you’re keeping a relationship going by putting your hooks in someone and giving them what they want when they do what you want, and taking away what they want when they don’t…stop. You aren’t actually keeping them with you (remember, control is an illusion!), and you’re only doing damage – to yourself, to your person, and to the relationship.

If you’re changing yourself to be less happy in order to keep a person, stop.

Control-based relationships where either side is miserable aren’t worth it. So…don’t have them.

…Now What?

So, you stopped being not-you, and you worked on being not-miserable, and you stopped trying to control people into staying. This is super hard, because this is when you find out if the relationship is real or not. But since you never had control anyway, either the relationship is going to last now, happy and free and better than you could have ever imagined, or…it was already dead.

This is so much easier to explain than it was to live through. We know, so much, what it’s like to make this choice and hope with everything that you have that things work out.

The Only Real Relationships are Freely Given

It is our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities. – Dumbledore

Imagine if all of your relationships existed because the other person just…liked you and really wanted to spend time with you. Imagine if they all existed because the other person chose you, and you knew for sure that they wanted to be in the relationship simply because the relationship continued.

Imagine if the people you liked the most were in your life because they also liked you the most. If they did a nice thing for you, it wasn’t because of any obligation, but just because…they really wanted to do that nice thing. You could always trust that gifts (time, affection, stuff) were real because you weren’t doing anything try to force people to give you gifts.

(Sidebar: but what what if they’re still manipulating or controlling you? Well, it turns out this can be really hard to know for sure. The good advice we’ve been given is, “does it matter? Just accept it and make your choices.”)

The trick to building and maintaining this kind of relationship is to make sure everything you do is genuinely your own, freely given, choice.

The Bible says Jesus died “because of the joy set before him”, and that he “rejoiced and was glad” in the day he would die. Was it fun? No. Was it easy? NO. Was it always joyful? **No**. But he chose for the good and the love and the joy of it.  He chose to be in relationships with people because he loved and enjoyed them. And he did it without regret.

We think that’s the perfect explanation of this kind of relationship. We love, and we know we can give because we feel joy in the giving. If we can’t feel joy in a thing that we give, this hurts our soul and it does damage to the relationship, and we should not do it.

Real relationships will flourish, and they will be full of joy and places of true rest. Dead relationships, relationships that only exist because of false senses of control, will die sooner.

Freely Chosen Relationships are the Only Way to Go

You have two choices: you can try to force relationships to last, or you can let them flow and be free and be choices on both sides – and you can freely give of yourself to keep them going. We try really hard to choose that second option.

It turns out, in addition to everything above, relationships are also more fun when there isn’t a constant threat of control or punishment or puppet mastery looming over them. You can relax and rest and enjoy both the relationship and the other person.

It also turns out, relationships last longer, and they’re supportive and restorative, if they aren’t carefully controlled and monitored. If instead you’re just…happy to be in the relationship, and happy to love the other person, and you let your joy in the relationship flow out of you.

This is not the typical way of relationships. This does not seem like it’s how relationships work in the real world. But…it’s really good.