{"id":2690,"date":"2019-05-23T09:48:17","date_gmt":"2019-05-23T13:48:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.soul-repairs.com\/blog\/?p=2690"},"modified":"2019-12-07T16:04:13","modified_gmt":"2019-12-07T21:04:13","slug":"i-never-saw-that-you-loved-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/2019\/05\/23\/i-never-saw-that-you-loved-me\/","title":{"rendered":"I Never Saw that You Loved Me"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I really love Halsey<\/a>. Josh introduced me to her via a roundabout way that included Bishop Briggs<\/a> and Amazon Music’s stations – and she grew on me slowly, because typically pop music about someone’s bad romantic choices is not my jam. But the more I listen<\/em> to what she has to say, the more affected I am.<\/p>\n

There’s a song called Sorry<\/a> that I\u00a0thought<\/em> I understood. What I heard spoke to some of the broken ways I’ve approached relationships – and then I listened<\/em> and…I realized it spoke to some of the\u00a0deeper<\/em> broken ways I’ve approached relationships.<\/p>\n

It’s okay. You don’t have to love me. My fault, seems legit.<\/h2>\n

\"\" So I’m sorry, to my unknown lover, sorry that I can’t believe
\nanybody ever really, starts to fall in love with me. \"\"<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This was the first part I heard. My default when I’m scared in a relationship is to retreat<\/strong> – shields up, and hide. In the past, that included looking for reasons that I should<\/em> retreat\u00a0– clues that I was about to be hurt, “proof” that the other person didn’t really want me around. And the clues and the proof that I found were always easier to accept if I believed that whatever I found was my fault.<\/p>\n

This…well, it some kinda’ <\/em>worked. It certainly kept me from being hurt – by anyone other than myself<\/em>. It also made me blind to people truly caring about me, because all I ever saw were the “early warning signs” that the relationship was going to end.<\/p>\n

It’s fine that you’re gone. I’m not hurt. Also, it’s still my fault.<\/h2>\n

\"\" I’ve missed your calls for months it seems.
\nDon’t realize how mean I can be
\n’cause I can sometimes treat the people that I love like jewelry.
\nI can change my mind each day.
\nI didn’t mean to try you on, but I still know your birthday and your mother’s favorite song. \"\"<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And then I heard\u00a0these\u00a0<\/em>words. And I noticed that she was lying to herself, because if she remembers their birthday and their mother’s favorite song, there’s no way that she actually changed her mind about them. But…again. Blame. “I was mean, I discarded you. It’s my fault you left. I accept that.”<\/p>\n

And I know you’ll be happier with someone else.<\/h2>\n

\"\" Someone will love you, someone will love you.
\nSomeone will love you, but someone isn’t me. \"\"<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

…Yep<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But really…I just…didn’t know<\/em>.<\/h2>\n

\"\" I run away when things are good, and never really understood
\nthe way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could.
\nAnd so it seems I broke your heart, my ignorance has struck again.
\nI failed to see it from the start, and tore you open ’til the end. \"\"<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

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I thought<\/strong> the summary of this song was, “There’s no way you love me, no way you’d really want to. Someone else will love you better than I can, so I’m glad that you left and I’m sorry for the pain I caused you by trying to have a relationship with you.” I thought she was basically choosing<\/em>, that she was saying “nope, I don’t believe people love me, so I choose good bye<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

This made sense to me. It fit what I thought I was doing when I ran away.<\/p>\n

And then I actually\u00a0heard<\/em> this verse. And…I realized that the summary is more like, “I…didn’t know that you loved me. I couldn’t see it. And what I could see, I didn’t believe. Because I didn’t believe, I kept you away, and that hurt<\/em> you. So…you left. So…I will let you go, and I will choose to believe that someone will love you better than I can.”<\/p>\n

…and then I realized what I was\u00a0really<\/em> doing when I ran away – I realized that I ran because I couldn’t see<\/strong>. This<\/em> summary explained how it felt to find myself running away when I didn’t mean to\u00a0– <\/i>and<\/em> it explained what I was afraid would happen every time I found myself running.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Why explain this?\u00a0Good question<\/em>.<\/h2>\n

When Josh told me that I should explain what I learned about this song, I sort of painfully asked him why on Earth I would ever do that<\/em>. We’re pretty open about our souls here, but…this is deep damage. And it isn’t fully healed damage, and…actually I hate<\/strong> that I do it.<\/p>\n

I also just…don’t have any stellar advice on how to\u00a0not<\/em> do it. I started to learn how to not<\/em> do it on accident, because of a relationship that was more important to me than the sense of self-protection that came from running away. Since then, I’ve fought through multiple layers of this thing. At every layer, it comes down to deciding which is more important – the relationship or feeling (falsely) safe<\/em>. I keep choosing the relationship.<\/p>\n

The only way I know of to do that<\/em>, to choose the relationship in the face of a lot of fear and the instinct to run and hide, is via trust<\/a> – trust the other person and trust God. With trust, I can believe that the people I’m in relationships with love me and will stick around through all of the pain and confusion and…eventual wonder<\/em> and joy of “figuring it out.” With trust, I can know that if they don’t<\/em> stick around, God will take care of me – so the risk of them leaving is not enough of a reason to close myself off from people or run away.<\/p>\n

But…this isn’t new information or helpful clarification or a good how-to<\/em>. The answer to most<\/em> soul damage seems to be trust. And I did not want to talk about it<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And then Josh, in a tricky bit of wisdom, asked me why understanding the song mattered so much to me. <\/em>And…it mattered because it put words to my broken. It described<\/em> it, accurately<\/strong>. The existence of words that described my broken told me that I’m not alone in it – and that I’m not alone in being blind to people caring about me. I’ve ruined relationships by retreating when I get scared, and that weighs<\/em> on me. It scares me<\/a> that I might do the same thing with the relationships that are so important to me\u00a0now<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The existence of words that described my broken told me that I’m not alone in it<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I said that my new understanding of the song explained what I’m afraid could happen when I run away.\u00a0 When I run,\u00a0 it feels like no one follows me. And…really, it isn’t up to them<\/em> to follow, it’s up to me<\/em> not to run – which I do<\/em> manage to figure out. Eventually. But…I worry that before I can figure it out, I will run too far<\/em>. And, having run too far, it will take too long to find my way back, or I won’t be able<\/em> to find my way back – and that if I manage to get back, by the time I get there, no one will be left waiting for me.<\/p>\n

So…ultimately, I think I’m explaining this because hearing the words and knowing I wasn’t alone helped me get past another layer of this broken thing I do. It helped me identify it the next<\/em> time I did it, and because I understood what I was doing, I knew that trust was the answer – even in the midst of sheer panic.<\/p>\n

Sometimes seeing our broken, having the words to accurately describe it, is one of the most important ways to heal. And the words in this song helped me see<\/em> this jagged stabby place in my soul clearly enough to be aware of when I was inclined to run. And it helped me remind myself to trust<\/em> instead of run –\u00a0and it helped make it easier for me to stay.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I really love Halsey. Josh introduced me to her via a roundabout way that included Bishop Briggs and Amazon Music’s stations – and she grew on me slowly, because typically pop music about someone’s bad romantic choices is not my jam. But the more I listen to what she has to say, the more affected … <\/p>\n

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