{"id":2486,"date":"2019-03-14T10:03:32","date_gmt":"2019-03-14T14:03:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.soul-repairs.com\/blog\/?p=2486"},"modified":"2019-12-07T16:03:28","modified_gmt":"2019-12-07T21:03:28","slug":"choice-based-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/2019\/03\/14\/choice-based-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Choice-Based Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

Relationships and Control<\/span><\/h2>\n

We\u2019ve talked in the past about how control is an illusion<\/em><\/a><\/span>\u00a0–<\/span><\/em>\u00a0we can\u2019t control the world around us, and all we really have are the choices we make<\/a>.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

We’ve also talked about how <\/span>manipulating people only works when you\u2019re the smartest person in the room<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

One of the things that’s been a struggle for both of us, individually and as friends, is <\/span>how do we make sure people will stick around?<\/em> <\/span>We all, at our core,\u00a0don\u2019t want to be alone<\/strong>. We want to be known, and appreciated, and maybe truly loved, but that…sure seems like a lot to ask. Most of us only manage to shoot for being a little bit known and sort of vaguely liked. And that\u2019s actually pretty great, if it happens.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

How do we make sure people will stick around?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Not being alone<\/em> requires <\/span>people<\/span>, and that\u2019s both the beauty and the difficulty of it. Loving ourselves is not enough to meet our needs – we were <\/span>made <\/span>to need other people. Need them deeply<\/em>. We need to invest in people, and to do that,<\/em> we either need to trust<\/a>\u00a0them, or we feel like we need to find a way to make them safely ours<\/em>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Problem of Keeping Them<\/span><\/h2>\n

If we want people deeply in our lives, it gets awful scary when they might leave<\/em>. They do something we don\u2019t want, or they spend time elsewhere, or they love other people too, and we start to get worried that they\u2019re leaving<\/strong> – that one foot is already out the door. <\/span><\/p>\n

One response here, one solution, is to <\/span>leave them first.<\/span><\/em>\u00a0At least then, we\u2019re not the ones being left. At least then, we can control<\/em> when that pain occurs and it won’t be a horrible surprise.\u00a0<\/span>We tell ourselves that that\u2019s what we wanted anyway, that actually it’s better to be alone<\/em>,\u00a0and we add another relationship’s rubble to the road behind us.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another option is to put our hooks in them, as deeply as we can, and try to control them via\u00a0carrots and sticks<\/a>. We tell ourselves that this will make sure<\/strong>\u00a0that they won\u2019t choose to leave us. We have so many tools at our disposal, and hey,<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>they need people <\/span>too<\/span><\/em>,<\/span> so that works for a while. Sometimes this is as simple as, \u201cI will <\/span>make<\/span> it worth it for you to stay by being so good and so perfect that you won’t want to leave. I am happy in your life as a doormat.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

All of these “solutions” to the problem of keeping the people we love work for a while. Until we realize that being pre-preemptively alone is awful<\/em>.\u00a0Until our control over the other person slips. Until the other person tries something we don\u2019t like, and we grab on so tight<\/em> that it bleeds<\/strong>, and the underlying foundation of control is revealed. Until we get tired<\/strong>\u00a0– of being a doormat, of being afraid, and we just want to\u2026be\u00a0happy<\/em> for a while, with the people we love the most.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joy is More Important than Permanent Relationships<\/span><\/h2>\n

The title of this section is both <\/span>absolutely true <\/span><\/em>and could also trigger some concern about something important like\u00a0<\/span>The Sanctity of Marriage<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing: we weren\u2019t all made to be married. We weren\u2019t all made to have a life-long romantic relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n

But we were<\/strong> all made to have joy in serving God and fulfilling his purpose for us, and we were<\/strong> all made to find joy and support in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n

And you <\/span>can\u2019t find joy – in anything, even in serving God – if you’re miserable.<\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

We don\u2019t mean \u201chey, go get yourself a divorce today!\u201d Marriage is awesome, and difficult, and worth it<\/em>. But we do<\/em>\u00a0absolutely mean that you have to\u00a0<\/span>be willing to give up control and let go<\/em>. <\/span><\/p>\n

This applies to every relationship<\/strong>, actually –\u00a0let your person (even your spouse)\u00a0<\/em>be happy and free. See them clearly, and let them see\u00a0you<\/em> clearly, and then…let them freely choose<\/strong> if they want to be in a relationship with you.\u00a0And respect their choice<\/strong>. And make your own choice<\/strong>. <\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re only in a relationship because you feel obligated to be there, because you\u2019re controlled<\/em>,\u00a0and you feel that semi-sick miserable feeling about your relationship\u2026listen to that feeling.<\/em>\u00a0Fight <\/strong>that implementation of your relationship! Take action<\/em>! If you think that you\u2019re keeping a relationship going by putting your hooks in someone and giving them what they want when they do what you want, and taking away what they want when they don\u2019t…<\/span>stop<\/em>. You aren’t actually keeping them with you (remember, control is an illusion!), and you’re only doing damage – to yourself, to your person, and to the relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re changing yourself to be less happy in order to keep a person, <\/span>stop<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Control-based relationships where either side is miserable aren\u2019t worth it<\/strong>. So…don\u2019t have them.<\/span><\/p>\n

…Now What?<\/h2>\n

So, you stopped being not-you, and you worked on being not-miserable, and you stopped trying to control people into staying. This is super<\/span> hard, because this is when you find out if the relationship is real or not<\/em>. But since you never had control anyway, either the relationship is going to last now, happy and free and better than you could have ever imagined, or…it was already dead<\/em>. <\/span><\/p>\n

This is so much easier<\/em> to explain than it was to live<\/em> through. We know<\/strong>, so much, what it\u2019s like to make this choice and hope with everything that you have that things work out.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Only Real Relationships are Freely Given<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n

It is our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities. – Dumbledore<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Imagine if all of your relationships existed because the other person just…liked you and really wanted to spend time with you. Imagine if they all existed because the other person chose <\/em><\/strong><\/span>you, and you knew for sure<\/strong>\u00a0that they wanted to be in the relationship\u00a0simply because the relationship continued<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Imagine if the people you liked the most were in your life because <\/span>they also<\/em> liked you the most<\/em><\/span>. If they did a nice thing for you, it wasn’t because of any obligation, but just because\u2026they really wanted to do that nice thing<\/em>. You could always trust that gifts (time, affection, stuff) were real <\/span>because you weren’t doing anything try to force people to give you gifts<\/em><\/span>. <\/span><\/p>\n

(Sidebar: but what what if they\u2019re<\/em>\u00a0still manipulating or controlling\u00a0you<\/em>? Well, it turns out this can be really hard to know for sure. The good advice we\u2019ve been given is, \u201cdoes it matter? Just accept it and make your<\/em>\u00a0choices.\u201d)<\/span><\/p>\n

The trick to building and maintaining this kind of relationship is to make sure everything <\/em><\/span>you do<\/span><\/em> is genuinely your own, freely given, choice.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The Bible says Jesus died \u201cbecause of the joy set before him\u201d, and that he \u201crejoiced and was glad\u201d in the day he would die. Was it fun? No. Was it easy? NO. Was it always joyful? **No**. But he chose<\/strong> for the good and the love and the\u00a0<\/span>joy<\/span><\/strong> <\/span>of it.\u00a0 He chose to be in relationships with people because he loved and enjoyed them. And he did it without regret<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We think that\u2019s the perfect explanation of this kind of relationship. We love, and we know we can give<\/strong> because we feel joy in the giving<\/em>. If we can\u2019t feel joy in a thing that we give, this hurts our soul and it does damage to the relationship, and we should not do it<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Real relationships will flourish, and they will be full of joy and places of true rest. Dead relationships, relationships that only exist because of false senses of control, will die sooner. <\/span><\/p>\n

Freely Chosen Relationships are the Only Way to Go<\/span><\/h2>\n

You have two choices: you can try to force relationships to last, or you can let them flow and be free and be choices on both sides – and you can freely\u00a0give of yourself to keep them going. We try really hard to choose that second option.<\/span><\/p>\n

It turns out, in addition to everything above, relationships are also more fun<\/strong> when there isn\u2019t a constant threat of control or punishment or puppet mastery looming over them. You can relax and rest and enjoy both the relationship and<\/em> the other person.<\/span><\/p>\n

It also turns out, relationships last longer, and they’re supportive and restorative, if they aren\u2019t carefully controlled and monitored. If instead you\u2019re just…happy<\/strong>\u00a0to be in the relationship, and happy<\/strong> to love the other person, and you let your joy<\/strong> in the relationship flow out of you.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is not the typical way of relationships. This does not seem like it’s how relationships work in the real world. But…it\u2019s really good<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Relationships and Control We\u2019ve talked in the past about how control is an illusion\u00a0–\u00a0we can\u2019t control the world around us, and all we really have are the choices we make. We’ve also talked about how manipulating people only works when you\u2019re the smartest person in the room. One of the things that’s been a struggle … <\/p>\n

Read More Read More<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,38,40],"tags":[73,75,57,177,58],"wf_post_folders":[],"coauthors":[11,26],"class_list":["post-2486","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-community","category-god","category-people","tag-control","tag-manipulation","tag-only-one-safe","tag-the-one-fear","tag-trust"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2486","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2486"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2486\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2655,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2486\/revisions\/2655"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2486"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2486"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2486"},{"taxonomy":"wf_post_folders","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/wf_post_folders?post=2486"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soul-repairs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=2486"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}